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Jeroen de Flander - Speaking

Funny Quotes

Jeroen de Flander

Funny quotes: a good laugh is fantastic. With so much going on around us, it’s tempting to be too serious. But don’t let that happen. Life is too short. Instead, laugh out loud.

Funny Quotes

1.”If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”-Dalai Lama

2.”Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”-Billy Connolly

3.”Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.”-Dennis Wholey

4.”Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”-Dale Carnegie

5.”When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”-Will Rogers

6.”It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It’s only necessary to be rich.”-Alan Alda

7.”As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”-Norman Wisdom

8.”When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”-Prince Philip

9.”There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.”-Will Rogers

10.”The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”-Albert Einstein

Funny Quotes 11 – 20

11.”It’s funny how we don’t like to hear correction as children, but later on when we begin to experience our own lives; we will understand the purpose of the training and correction.”-Diane Winbush

12.”I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”-Woody Allen

13.”Who learns and learns, Nor acts on what he knows, Is one who ploughs and ploughs, But never takes the time to sow.”-Author Unknown

14.”Spring is the time of year when it is summer in the sun and winter in the shade.”-Charles Dickens

15.”Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.”-Bo Derek

16.”Watch something funny. Laughter is great medicine, especially for what worries you.”-Michelle Stewart

17.”Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!”-Audrey Hepburn

18.”No one has ever become poor by giving.”-Anne Frank

19.”Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right?” -Wayne Dyer

20.”A business like an automobile, has to be driven, in order to get results.”-BC Forbes

Funny Quotes 21 – 30

21.“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”-Ellen DeGeneres

22.“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”-Mark Twain

23.“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”-Marilyn Monroe

24.“They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.”-John Green

25.“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”-Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

26.“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”-Cathy Guisewite

27.“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”-Albert Einstein

28.“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”-Anonymous

29.“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”-George Carlin

30.“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”-Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Quotes 31 – 40

31.“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.”- José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

32.“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong”-Unknown

33.“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”-Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

34.“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go”-Oscar Wilde

35.“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”-Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)

36.“The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.”-Unknown

37.“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.”-Albert Einstein

38.“I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”-Unknown

39.“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.”-Bill McGlashen

40.“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.”-Marilyn Monroe

Funny Quotes 41 – 50

41.”Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”-Albert Einstein

42.”Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”-Mark Twain

43.”The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”-George Bernard Shaw

44.”Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”-Albert Einstein

45.”I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”-Woody Allen

46.”Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.”-Groucho Marx

47.”A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs — jolted by every pebble in the road.”-Henry Ward Beecher

48.“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.”-Winston Churchill

49.”Families are like fudge… mostly sweet with a few nuts.”-Author Unknown

50.”What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.”-Ralph Waldo Emerson