Funny Quotes
Funny quotes: a good laugh is fantastic. With so much going on around us, it’s tempting to be too serious. But don’t let that happen. Life is too short. Instead, laugh out loud.
Funny Quotes
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Dale Carnegie
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Will Rogers
It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It’s only necessary to be rich.
Alan Alda
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.
Norman Wisdom
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Will Rogers
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
Funny Quotes 11 – 20
It’s funny how we don’t like to hear correction as children, but later on when we begin to experience our own lives; we will understand the purpose of the training and correction.
Diane Winbush
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen
Who learns and learns, Nor acts on what he knows, Is one who ploughs and ploughs, But never takes the time to sow.
Author Unknown
Spring is the time of year when it is summer in the sun and winter in the shade.
Charles Dickens
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.
Bo Derek
Watch something funny. Laughter is great medicine, especially for what worries you.
Michelle Stewart
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!
Audrey Hepburn
No one has ever become poor by giving.
Anne Frank
Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right?
Wayne Dyer
A business like an automobile, has to be driven, in order to get results.
BC Forbes
Funny Quotes 21 – 30
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
Ellen DeGeneres
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
Marilyn Monroe
They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.
John Green
Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Cathy Guisewite
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Anonymous
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld
Funny Quotes 31 – 40
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong
Unknown
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Brian Gerald O’Driscoll
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go
Oscar Wilde
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Unknown
The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.
Albert Einstein
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Unknown
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.
Bill McGlashen
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Marilyn Monroe
Funny Quotes 41 – 50
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.
Albert Einstein
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Mark Twain
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
George Bernard Shaw
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Albert Einstein
I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
Groucho Marx
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs — jolted by every pebble in the road.
Henry Ward Beecher
When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.
Winston Churchill
Families are like fudge… mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Author Unknown
What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
